Notice that “small talk” is a noncount noun – it’s never “small talks”
First: WHY do we make small talk?
Small talk is a bridge – it’s how we begin to connect with strangers. When you first meet someone, you can’t trust them yet. You have no information about them. Small talk is a way to basically tell someone: “I’m safe and I’m normal.”
This lets people relax enough that they can begin to get to know you.
Second: WHAT do we talk about?
The easiest thing to talk about is your shared environment. That’s why people talk about the weather. But if you’re in a coffee shop, that’s also a shared environment. Mention something about the coffee shop: the coffee, the music, the picture on the wall, the long line you’re in.
The other easy starter is a genuine compliment. Find something you like about that person and tell them. Ideas: Their shoes. Their hair. Their outfit. Their car. Their dog. Their smile. ☠️ Men, be careful: A woman’s body is not an appropriate topic for small talk.
Third: HOW do we keep the conversation going?
Listen up – this is important.
You’re going to (1) Give them threads to pull, and (2) Listen for their threads. What are threads?
Threads are topics you mention to give them options.
___
Example dialogue between coworkers on Monday morning
A: Hey, nice to see you. How was your weekend?
B: Hey what’s up, it was ok. We had family staying with us, so I got to see my cousins from California, but we went sightseeing and I didn’t have much time to myself.
___
B gave at least four conversational “threads” to pull:
- Family stayed
- Cousins from Cali
- Sightseeing
- No time for himself
Principle: Give them 3 threads to pull.
A is going to choose a thread based on what sounds most interesting to A. That’s different for everyone.
If your family stayed with you recently, you mention that. If it was hard for you – mention that.
He mentioned cousins, so you could ask how many people that was in total – Did he have a full house?
If you know California, you might ask where they live.
He said sightseeing: What did you see? What was the best place you went to? Had you ever gone there before?
He said he had no time for himself. If you know the feeling, tell him that. Give a short example.
___
B: Hey what’s up, it was ok. We had family staying with us, so I got to see my cousins from California, but we went sightseeing and I didn’t have much time to myself.
A: Ohh, that’s rough. I had family stay with me a few weeks back and it was impossible to get anything done. They stayed for a full month, can you imagine!? How are you feeling now that they’re gone and you’re back on your routine?
___
NOW! Pay attention again. If you mention something about YOU – try to end with a question about THEM.
Principle: It’s not all about YOU. It’s a give-and-take.
A lot of times, we talk about ourselves in order to show people that we understand them. But if I bring everything back to me – I miss the opportunity to connect with that person. It can come across as self-centered. So we bring the conversation back to them.
Relevant questions also make it really easy for them to keep talking.
Now, if you’re in B’s position, A just gave you threads and asked a question. You have a lot of places to go from here.
- Family also stayed
- A full month!?
- Impossible to get anything done
Principle: Listen closely to notice their threads. Pull based on what you find most interesting.
Maybe you are surprised that they stayed so long → ask where they’re from.
Maybe you are happy that someone gets it → ask how in the world he got through that
Maybe you want to talk more specifically about challenges that you both had → Tell him a specific thing and ask about him.
___
A: Ohh, that’s rough. I had family stay with me a few weeks back and it was impossible to get anything done. They stayed for a full month, can you imagine!? How are you feeling now that they’re gone and you’re back on your routine?
B: I am so happy to be back on my routine. For me, I just wanted to be able to get my house clean and do the shopping before Monday. A full month is crazy. How did you deal with that?
___
If you notice, just by giving threads and pulling threads, we can convert small talk into real talk pretty fast.
That’s what we want. Nobody wants to talk about the weather for 20 minutes – that’s tortuous.
Principle: Don’t tangent
You’re B. A just asked you: How did you deal with that?
Imagine for one second that you actually have a LOT to say about that.
Maybe you went to the gym and worked in cafes to escape your family and actually met with a therapist twice during that time to process the chaos and maybe you had a breakthrough about setting boundaries with your family.
But A is still basically a stranger. You don’t know how much they want to hear. So you test it – you give them a little, one or two sentences. If they are interested, they will ask you for more. Do not dump stories on people that they didn’t ask for.
___
B: I am so happy to be back on my routine. For me, I just wanted to be able to get my house clean and do the shopping before Monday. A full month is crazy. How did you deal with that?
A: I did so much. That experience was so difficult that I literally made a whole project out of dealing with family and had a legit epiphany by the end of it.
___
That’s enough. And that’s an interesting thing to say. So, if B thinks that is cool and interesting, he will ask you. And if he doesn’t want to know about that, he’ll probably pull a more mundane thread.
___
B is interested
A: I did so much. That experience was so difficult that I literally made a whole project out of dealing with family and had a legit epiphany by the end of it.
B: Whaaaat? What’s the epiphany? What did you do?
___
B is not interested
A: I did so much. That experience was so difficult that I literally made a whole project out of dealing with family and had a legit epiphany by the end of it.
B: Wow, so cool. I wish I could’ve had an epiphany. At least we’re back on our routines now, thank God.
___
TLDR;
- Small talk is the bridge to real talk
- Give short answers but offer threads: give them options
- Listen when they talk and pull the threads they give you
- Be generous and curious about other people – don’t make it all about you
- When you have a lot to say about a topic, don’t go off on a tangent. Instead, test them with a few lines and let them tell you if they want to hear more
Small talk works best when both people make an effort. But one person trying is better than two people doing nothing.
Final tip: Just knowing this won’t help you much. Now that you know, go out and practice to improve:)